re: love

So it's times where you feel the deepest in debt that you start to appreciate forgiveness. I feel like the one who loves much because he's been forgiven of much. But rather than go into that train of thought, here's an update on my life:

Isaiah 44 talks about someone who makes an idol out of wood. And me and my friend Tim wrote a song about it. And I love playing it because it's about me. I am the man who makes an idol out of a piece of wood and makes his breakfast from the fire of the same wood. I remember the taste of ash. I am also the idol that is burning. So the song goes.

I've been trying to make the right decisions. I've been trying to guard my heart without just retreating into a cave for fear of being hurt again. I've been trying to do the right thing.

I am going to do music. Or at least try at it over this next year. Before '09, I'm going to have a full length, even if I have to record it in my room with a 4track. I have people around me who love me and believe in me and believe in Beauty. I want to write songs and play them for people. I hope I'm making the right decision. I'm not doing school anymore. That's my great experiment. I've been praying about it and for it for so long. I just really hope I'm doing the right thing. If after a year I've found no success at all, I'll go back to school, finish the degree, and do something with my life along the lines of youth ministry.

But I think it could happen. I honestly think that I could do it and make it.

There's a movie my dad showed me a long time ago called Chariots of Fire that's about a lot of things, but the most interesting thing in there to me is the stuggle between your faith and what you feel like your faith is supposed to look like. There's this guy named Eric who feels called to missions work and he also can run really fast. He decides to put off missions for a while and run in the olympics, because he has this amazing oportunity to do so. He says this epic statement:

I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.

I feel the same. I know that I feel a call to ministry, but he also trained my hands to play and my voice to sing. And I can't deny that. And when I play, I feel His pleasure.

So that's what I'm gonna do. I really feel like God is happy with me and what I'm doing with my life.

Is. 44:21-23

21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.

22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."

23 Sing for joy, O heavens, for the LORD has done this;
shout aloud, O earth beneath.
Burst into song, you mountains,
you forests and all your trees,
for the LORD has redeemed Jacob,
he displays his glory in Israel.