a lesson in alliteration.

some singers sing of sadness like it's part of the scene

if you're going, go with gladness if you're going without me

i hear a hope that i've been humming and i know it by heart
i laughed at lessons learned from leaving and i long for fresh starts
i hear a song that's sung in sorrow is the sweetest of psalms
if you're longing for allegiance than look no further at all

if a magnet makes a motion in the map of your mind
then the dread and dark inside me can be moved yet with time
if a rock that's rolled away remakes all that i see
then the corpse that i've been carrying is not a burden to me

though i've never seen the seaside i still know it exists
i own the idea of the ocean without taking part in its bliss
i wish the waves would wash within me just as well as without
i feel the farthest i can fathom is a life with more faith than with doubt

if aurorae borialis started back in the deep
if the flares that fired the faithfull we're once within the suns reach
holding ships that sail the sunlight just as well as the wind
the same breeze that blows and billows will breach the beaches of man

i hear a hope that i've been humming and i know it by heart
i laughed at lessons learned from leaving and i long for fresh starts
i hear a song that's sung in sorrow is the sweetest of psalms
if you're longing for allegiance than look no further at all

life is fleeting, but it is good

I wish I didn't feel it

Anxious in my bones

It's just that when I see the sunrise

I always think of home

My mom and dad

The brother I never see

They're all I have

They are part of me

And we are family

And that will be enough for me

I wish that I could know you

If only for a time

I wish that you weren't leaving

And I could walk that line

It seems so short

Maybe It'll be enough

A ticking clock

But still we try to call it love

But while you're here you're a sight to see

And that will be enough for me

I wish I didn't feel it

Like I was still fifteen

And every choice I'm making

Will be the end of me

Have faith, be still

I swear I still believe

It's not as bad

As I paint it out to be

I have a lot

So I guess much is required of me

It seems I give

Much less than I receive

Just say the word and I'll be free

And that will be enough for me

indie alt country album?

So I'm thinking since quick on my feet lets me play electric guitar a lot, i want to play some more acoustic for my album. I'm debating what name to release it under. There's Caleb, Look for Cars! but that feels more like a straight up pop punk / indie pop band. There's also the option to play under my name, and also Saint Albans. But here's the song order I've had in my head today.

1. B&T (somewhere between the indie pop and acoustic arrangements)
2. Thailand (with acoustic and electric parts)
3. It's a Question of Self Esteem (short acoustic song)
4. Casey Stocksmith (still folky, def piano and two guitars, maybe full band)
5. Faded Photo (CLfC version)
6. 12.21.2.14 (don't really know how to arrange this one)
7. Stars (Flushed out CLfC version)
8. Folksplosion (gang vox, room percussion)
9. Wolfsong (acoustic)
10. In My Memory (full band rock version)

Decided to scrap How to steal third, love and grace, and under a tree. Just don't feel like those songs are how i want to sound anymore, and more importantly, i decided they weren't that great. I've been playing around with bringing back Autumn, an old sooybeans song, and doing it all folky. But I think that'll be more of a live song till I get more comfortable with it.

Quick On My Feet EP is almost done recording.

1. Joe v. Volcano
2. Five Talents
3. Cody's Favorite
4. This Is Love
5. The Light is Taking Me to Pieces

Quick on my feet has a show on the 20th. Stoked.

it's a question of self esteem

it's a question of self esteem

that's why i care so much that you're not with me

it's not that i miss your warm embrace

it's just that he has taken my place

when i see our old friends at the bar

they are sure to ask how you are

i say i'm sure you're doing fine

it's just that you are no longer mine

lover, look what you've done to yourself

cover yourself up with lies

suffer this for no one else

it's just that you are no longer mine

I'll be with you, my darling, when morning is nigh
And the whispers of the night wind go past with a sigh
For my heart is with you always as my thoughts drift to home
And the memories I hold near me where ever I roam

I'll come home someday just to have you by my side
For my dreams pull me back there like the moon pulls back the tide
For I will love you dear until the seas run dry
I am yours now and forever 'til the stars fall from the sky

I'll be with you, my darling, when sunset fills the sky
And the echos of the mountains are hushed by and by
For as darkness fills the evening and my thoughts drift to home
I'll remember you are with me where ever I roam

I'll come home someday just to have you by my side
For my dreams pull me back there like the moon pulls back the tide
For I will love you dear until the seas run dry
I am yours now and forever 'til the stars fall from the sky

I'll be with you, my darling
'Til the stars fall from the sky

i can't stay
away
from the things that will kill me
anyways
i'm the worst
kind of way
i'm a shattered broken seed

i am empty promise
and words you can't take back
but still i can't get rid of you
i'm a soulless hunger
for woe and wonder
but still i can't get rid of you

you won't be
proud of me
when you find out who i am
born for blood
and slavery
i barely understand

i'm dressed for success
and built for protest
but still
i'm a broken home now
i'm suspect but somehow
i still can't get rid of you

i've capsized, waiting
my resolve, fading
and still
i'm kicking, screaming
but you stay with me
and still

i'm not worth the effort
i can't pay for the penalty fee
but if i come without a dollar
i come with all i need

just hope

oh,
so it goes
it's a consequence of the actions you chose
and though
you've no home
please don't go it alone

make
no mistake
there's a chance of pain, it's a risk you must take
hope
just hope

did you find yourself last summer
when she broke your heart in two
did the snow fall hard in December
did you wake up feeling new?

say
what you mean
it's your turn to speak and were all listening
speak
speak to me
we're all here to see

that you hold
your head high
we are more than all our feeble parts
sing
me your pain
it's gotta be true if it comes from the heart

when your grandma died last april
did you hold on tight to her hand
when she winked like she knew a secret
did you understand?

take all the time
we've got a eternity
you're doing fine
and i'm so glad it's
you're time to shine
can't tell you what this means
please spill your mind
just bare your heart to me

hope for the best
cry when you see sadness
hope all the same
it's not the point to
get it all right
it might be dark as night
but soon morning comes
and finally then we'll see

i hope you're listening

oh
so it goes
this is happening, it's the life that you chose
and though
you've no home
please don't go it alone

make
no mistake
there's a chance of pain, that's the risk that you take
hope
just hope

sleepless, playing a left-handed guitar in his uncle's rec-room and trying to think of how that's a metaphore for something.

Patricia looks up at the night sky and replies, "My father says that almost the whole world is asleep - everybody you know, everybody you see, everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement." - Joe v. Volcano.


i feel faceless
like i'll dissapear
but let me remember this
i need to be here

he's looking right through me
the day your ghost gave it up
my father cries, "oh lord please remember
please, god, just get up"

there's truth in every word
i should have listened
i should have listened more
there's joy in letting go
i should have listened
i should have listened more

i heard my father singing
with pain in his voice
"let the bones you have broken
cry out and rejoice

"let the one who cries longest
feel comfort at last
let us cry out for morning
because the long night has passed

"oh god please have mercy
son of david, be moved
give me eyes to see
come soon, lord, come soon

"because i feel like i'm failing
even while you move close
sometimes your spirit
feels cold like a ghost"

there's truth in every word
i should have listened
i should have listened more
there's joy in letting go
i should have listened
i should have listened more

CLfC full length.

Faded Photograph
12.21.2.14
Stars
Casey Stocksmith
Thailand
Folksplosion
B&T Strike Again
how to steal third, but never make it home
In My Memory, Black is Where White Should Be
Wolfsong
Love and Grace
Under a Tree, Wrapped in Blankets

I think those will be the songs.

and everytime i feel it, i take another drag
it makes me feel less sad
i'd rather have it in the lungs
than in the heart or in the head

set for CLfC show on friday

1. Wolfsong
   
2. In My Memory, Black is Where White Should Be
3. Stars
4. B&T Strike Again
5. Thailand
6. Casey Stocksmith
7. Faded Photograph
8. how to steal third, but never make it home
9. Love and Grace

I'm in four bands now. There's the bands you know already: Sad-Eyed Bird, the hardcore band, and AmeliaJay, the piano rock band. The song's that I write will be played with Caleb, Look for Cars! and then I've also started a band with Zach, Toby, and Lee called Saint Albans. I'm really excited about it. There's also a Set Sail Caravel show on Saturday that I'm really stoked about.

I saw Jimmy Eat World play the entire Clarity album from start to finish.

I'm thinking about coming up with a name to play under. My songs feel bigger than just a solo project. I'm trying to find a way to say that without sounding pretentious. I'm thinking of playing under St. Albans. it's got a nice ring to it, and it reminds me of home. I really wanna do an indie-rock band. I've got like 15 different songs right now to choose from. I'm thinking do a rock record then a folk EP.

June 31, 2004

a new song and an old song.

The Light is Taking Me to Pieces

i look upward and the moon passes by
it strikes through me and i'm glad i'm alive
consequences of the fool i have been
but after darkest night the sun rushes in

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

barely making ends meet and it's dragging me down
it never seems enough, it's the hardest part, and i sink to the ground

I made you home, I made you the spot in the back of my heart

Please don't start, please don't start

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

This is Love

i was trying to remember the last thing you said
as you walked up the stairwell that led to your bed
and i laughed all alone
at the words never mentioned but often rehearsed
like some expectant mother with only stillbirth
and the sun rose

i was walking aimlessly
i was lonely
and the sun rose
just for me

i was under the incline and under your spell
and those halfhearted love songs, i never sang well,
i will sing all alone
i wish you'd come down that stairwell and take me by the hand
and we would shout out the darkness, sing as loud as we can,
"this is love, i will never be alone."
this is love, i will never be alone.

i was walking aimlessly
i was lonely
and the sun rose
just for me

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

I wish I wasn't a wreck since you left

since you left

And they told me on the front lawn, I'm sorry I couldn't go.

I practiced with Aaron and Tim tonight. It's sounding really good. Narrowed down the set.

1. Folksplosion
2. B&T Strike Again
3. Faded Photograph
4. Stars
5. Casey Stocksmith
6. On My Back (Ward Hiney)
7. Thailand
   
8. How to Steal Third, But Never Make it Home

Much credit to Aaron Andrews for this motivational rant:

If you have a dream, then follow it. If you have a passion, then pursue it. If you want to spend the rest of your life living in poverty, doing what you love, doing something to change the world for the better, then please, for the love of God, do it! I see so many from my generation and our parents generation spend time maintaining rather than growing. Don't get caught up in your own insecurities or your own fears or hurts. Right the wrongs around you. Make beautiful things.

It still hurts and it's still scary, but it's good. It's the happiest I've ever been.


It was really good to see Ben Mauch this weekend. Listening to him play piano in the hospital chapel was one of the best moments of my life.

My goal is to have the majority of my album recorded by the end of February. I've got all the songs I want to do plus some extra. Most of it's going to be really folk influenced, which is exciting.

Also, Amelia Jay is absolutely the best band in the world.

I got really encouraged by an epic old man I talk to on the phone today. He was just really encouraging and appreciative.

he said "son, you're still young, and you always jump the gun."

Here's what I'm thinking:

1. Folksplosion
2. B&T Strike Again
3. Thailand
4. Faded Photograph
5. Stars
6. Leap Year (Maria Taylor)
7. Casey Stocksmith
8. On My Back (Ward Hiney)
9. How to Steal Third, But Never Make it Home
10. Love and Grace
11. Under a Tree, Wrapped in Blankets

I'm very stoked. It's going to be a reunion of sorts, because Aaron and Tim are going to be playing on a number of songs at the show. Also, I'm going to see Ben Mauch this weekend. So stoked.

Did I mention I'm stoked?

so what does that make me?

I've got a show at the end of this month.

brandon hayes.
jeremy miller.
ben sooy.
saturday, 31 january. 7pm.
the mezzanine gallery and cafe.
720 commerce street. lynchburg.
cover charge: $3.

there's hope for Job like a cut down tree

Job 14

7 "For there is hope for a tree,

When it is cut down, that it will sprout again,

And its shoots will not fail.

8 "Though its roots grow old in the ground

And its stump dies in the dry soil,

9 At the scent of water it will flourish

And put forth sprigs like a plant.

John 12

23 And Jesus answered them, saying, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.

24 "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

25 "He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in the world will keep it to life eternal. 

26 "If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him.

 

"When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

I've been thinking about what that actually means. I've actually been struggling with it, really. Ever since my friend Ben has been sick, I've been reading through Job. It's been hard because I really feel for Job. I don't really know what to say about it yet. I'm in a really good place where I know everything is where it's supposed to be. But it's still a struggle. 

The more I live and play music, the more I know this is where I'm supposed to be. Amelia Jay played a show in Richmond yesterday, and it was the best. So great to play all together. We're almost halfway finished with the recording of the album as well, and I couldn't be happier about it. 

I think I'm playing a solo show at the end of the month. I'm really excited to get some new stuff out there. 

discover you 2.0... maybe.

my chest is aching
there's a hole in my heart
there's a hole in my heart

Lord, can you hear me?
you're a voice in the dark
you're a voice in the dark

life's spoken in whisper
gathered mist, then it's gone
gathered mist, then it's gone

a brief breath, a short step
a heart song, a promise kept

Chorus.

my chest is aching
there's a hole in my heart
there's a hole in my heart

Lord, can you hear me?
you're a voice in the dark
you're a voice in the dark

Bridge.

Chorus.

This week I got to hang out with the guys in Wrench in the Works. Which was awesome. Very, very encouraging.

Amelia Jay is starting to record this week. We've got ten songs, and I'm stoked about each and every one of them. Pray for Ben Mauch, please. He's the drummer for Amelia Jay, and he's been diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. Such a great guy.

Also, I am really into Crime In Stereo.

Here's some verses from Job 7:

17 “What are people, that you should make so much of us,
that you should think of us so often?
18 For you examine us every morning
and test us every moment.
19 Why won’t you leave me alone,
at least long enough for me to swallow!
20 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
O watcher of all humanity? Why make me your target?
Am I a burden to you?
21 Why not just forgive my sin
and take away my guilt?
For soon I will lie down in the dust and die.
When you look for me, I will be gone.”


Also:

Job 9
Job’s Third Speech: A Response to Bildad

1 Then Job spoke again:
2 “Yes, I know all this is true in principle.
But how can a person be declared innocent in God’s sight?
3 If someone wanted to take God to court,
would it be possible to answer him even once in a thousand times?
4 For God is so wise and so mighty.
Who has ever challenged him successfully?

5 “Without warning, he moves the mountains,
overturning them in his anger.
6 He shakes the earth from its place,
and its foundations tremble.
7 If he commands it, the sun won’t rise
and the stars won’t shine.
8 He alone has spread out the heavens
and marches on the waves of the sea.
9 He made all the stars—the Bear and Orion,
the Pleiades and the constellations of the southern sky.
10 He does great things too marvelous to understand.
He performs countless miracles.

11 “Yet when he comes near, I cannot see him.
When he moves by, I do not see him go.
12 If he snatches someone in death, who can stop him?
Who dares to ask, ‘What are you doing?’
13 And God does not restrain his anger.
Even the monsters of the sea are crushed beneath his feet.

14 “So who am I, that I should try to answer God
or even reason with him?
15 Even if I were right, I would have no defense.
I could only plead for mercy.
16 And even if I summoned him and he responded,
I’m not sure he would listen to me.
17 For he attacks me with a storm
and repeatedly wounds me without cause.
18 He will not let me catch my breath,
but fills me instead with bitter sorrows.
19 If it’s a question of strength, he’s the strong one.
If it’s a matter of justice, who dares to summon him to court?
20 Though I am innocent, my own mouth would pronounce me guilty.
Though I am blameless, it would prove me wicked.

21 “I am innocent,
but it makes no difference to me—
I despise my life.
22 Innocent or wicked, it is all the same to God.
That’s why I say, ‘He destroys both the blameless and the wicked.’
23 When a plague sweeps through,
he laughs at the death of the innocent.
24 The whole earth is in the hands of the wicked,
and God blinds the eyes of the judges.
If he’s not the one who does it, who is?

25 “My life passes more swiftly than a runner.
It flees away without a glimpse of happiness.
26 It disappears like a swift papyrus boat,
like an eagle swooping down on its prey.
27 If I decided to forget my complaints,
to put away my sad face and be cheerful,
28 I would still dread all the pain,
for I know you will not find me innocent, O God.
29 Whatever happens, I will be found guilty.
So what’s the use of trying?
30 Even if I were to wash myself with soap
and clean my hands with lye,
31 you would plunge me into a muddy ditch,
and my own filthy clothing would hate me.

32 “God is not a mortal like me,
so I cannot argue with him or take him to trial.
33 If only there were a mediator between us,
someone who could bring us together.
34 The mediator could make God stop beating me,
and I would no longer live in terror of his punishment.
35 Then I could speak to him without fear,
but I cannot do that in my own strength.


Job is crying out for Christ, and I think that's amazing.

remember this in the morning

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I swear I'm still myself, but just a bit more serious.